Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
