I can text with my tongue
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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