i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
