Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
