exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
