My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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