Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
