You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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