There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
