You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
