I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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