Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
