I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
