I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
