Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
