The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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