Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
