I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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