somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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