Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
