OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
