On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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