I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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