Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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