My Higher Power is John Stamos
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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