dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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