Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
