Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Found your dick twin last night
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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