This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
