I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
