someone threw a dead crab at me
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
