I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
