Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
