im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
That accounts for only three of the penises
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
