saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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