I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
