Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
