dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
