hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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