which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
