i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
