I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize