If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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