The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Success! We fucked roommates!
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