Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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