I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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