believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize