i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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