Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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