i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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