Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
