grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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