I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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