He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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