I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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