dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
